A couple of words about me

My poetry and short stories


Stranice na hrvatskom jeziku

since Oct. 2004


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If you enjoy to listen jokes like I do, you can find some fun and laugh on this page. In my country, shorter jokes are very popular. We are laughing to all human imperfection, our personal as same as those related to another people. I've avoided vulgar words, although they are spice for many jokes. Of course, you can fancy some another word and use informal vocabulary where you think it would suit better.
I had to adapt most of the jokes to be useful in English. I hope they are. Also, I set English personal names in them, because I translated the jokes into English. It's all right, isn't it?>

Current number of jokes: 22


A rich countryman called his son studying in city, asking him about all. If he's passing examinations, if he has any problem, if he's found mates...
- Everything is O.K., daddy, I only feel unpleasantly 'cause my colleagues all come onto lecturing by tram, and only me by Mercedes.
- Don't worry, my son, you'll get a tram, too, daddy promise you!


Jack is sitting in pub drinking pints of beer. Joe comes in and asks him:
- Are you crazy, Jack? Why do you hold your wife's photo on the table?
- It's my alcoholic-test!
- What!?
- Well, when I begin to like my wife, it's a sign that I'm drunk and mustn't drink any more.


Two mates are driving back to the city after a weekend spent in country vine-dresser's hut.
- Jack, how tall can a penguin grow up?
- I'm not sure, Joe, I suppose the biggest is so-called king penguin which can reach one meter height. Why do you ask it?
- Well, you must drive more carefully then. It seems that you've just run over a nun.
- What do you mean that I must be careful!? You're driving, anyway!


Jack came into the bar.
- Waitress, five glasses of wine! Jack drank out all and called for more:
- Waitress, three glasses of wine! Jack again drank them all and complained tiredly:
- Waitress, give me a glass of some better wine. From this one I'm more and more drunken although I'm drinking less and less!


Jack came home drunk at dawn. His wife screamed:
- You are coming home drunk again! You said yesterday that you've decided to be a new man!
- Well, I am a new man, indeed, but what can I do 'cause this other man also drinks!


Waiter brought ordered pizza to a blond.
- Would you like it cut into six or twelve pieces?
- Six, please! I couldn't eat up twelve!


Everybody can do same fault twice except virgin and parachutist.


A young lady-teacher in tram loudly titled a man beside:
- Excuse me, sir, I'm not sure, are you father of one of my kids?


Joe is a rheumatic, so his doctor advised him to beware from humidity. Next year at about same date he came back and asked:
- Doctor, I feel much better, could I wash myself now?


- What says a hen run over by car? - That was a great rooster!


A kid is asking his father:
- Daddy, what does it mean that somebody is drunk?
- Hmm, can you see those two trees? Well, a drunk man would see four ones.
- But, daddy, there is only one tree there!


Jack woos Mary.
- If you marry me, you must know that you'll cook three times a day. Tasteful breakfast, either I'm home or not. Tasteful lunch, either I'm home or not. And tasteful dinner, either I'm home or not.
Mary listens and answers.
- If you marry me, you must know that I have sex three times a day, either you're home or not!


An journalists are interviewing an old man.
- Grandpa Jacky, today you're celebrating your 100th birthday. What is the reason for a such long life?
- The main reason, children, is because the police has never achieved to catch Jack The Ripper!


- Why would you like to divorce?
- Because he never listens what I say.
- Is it true, sir?
- Excuse me, Your Honor, what did she say?


At the breaking of alcohol drinking habit's session, the leader is trying to demonstrate the alcohol's noxiousness.
- Look, in this glass is brandy. Now I am putting this vivacious worm in it. Tell us, Jack, what happened?
- The worm perished!
- Well, what can you conclude from this fact?
- It's certain that one who drinks brandy won't get intestinal worms!


- Well, son, what's new in the school today?
- Nothing special, dad. We made some chemical experiments.
- And what will you learn in the school tomorrow?
- In which school?!


Jack stepped into a drug store.
- Do you have anything against "Viagra"?
- What do you mean, against? We're selling "Viagra".
- No, no, I need something against "Viagra"!
- Hmm, and what's your problem, sir?
- Well, our grandpa died five days ago but we still can't cover the coffin!


A politician enters his home and cries excitedly:
- Woman, find your bathing costume and towels! They've gifted me two tickets for a "Swan Lake"!


Two blonds chat at a coffee break.
- Did you know that the New Year will be on a Friday this time?
- Ouch, it won't be the 13th, I hope!


A saturday afternoon. Two blonds chat having coffee.
- My husband had brought a hen yesterday and said: "Prepare it fine for the Sunday!" But how could I know what hens wear on Sundays?! I spent the whole morning in boutiques but finally have got to find a lovely little dress for it. It would be O.K., I suppose.


Jack came home drunk. It was three in the morning. In the hall, his woman is waiting for him with a broom in her hand.
- What's going on, woman? Are you cleaning the house or decided to fly away?


Jim has visiting the pub every day and having four beers - two for himself and two for his departed brother.
One day he orders:
- Waiter, two beers!
- What, only two?!
- Yes, the doctor said I mustn't drink farther. From now I drink only two for my brother - he hasn't any prohibition!

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© 2004 - 2019. Ivica Smolec